Dead or Alive (DoA) is a popular video game franchise most noted for their implementation of dynamic breast physics. The ability to make the females’ breasts to bounce like Jello. It was even turned into a Beach Volley Ball game boasting the same “dynamic physics”. There is one small problem with this series compared to say Street Fighter or Mortal Kombat. There is no story. So of course, a movie of DoA was inevitable.

The story, if you can call it that, is all the best fighters are invited to the Dead or Alive tournament on an island somewhere. They are injected with nano technology that monitors their fighting ability. This information is relayed to a pair of ray-bans that shows the main bad guy what would happen in a fight, and how to win. Now I know what you’re thinking, “This is DoA… I don’t care about story. Do the actresses show the same “dynamic physics” as the games?”. No. Not at all. If one thing can be said for the movie, it definitely did not exploit a single woman at any point during the filming.

Now, I can pride myself as having watched all kinds of movies, from the very best to the very worst, and I can honestly say that nothing had prepared me for this. For the sake of clearing things up, I will call it a movie only so that you can understand that this was the medium chosen to display this vile atrocity to the public. I looked on with horror as if a cable man had walked into my living room, shit in his hands, and not only smeared it all over my television, but continued on, painting the room in his own feces in a manor that only he himself could find stylish. For the first 30 seconds or so, the movie appears to be a traditional chinese kung fu film. Within moments a rocket powered hang glider expands from a backpack, and all hope is lost. I could only imagine that must be what it is like to find out that the girl you just picked up at the bar is actually a man… once you’re already in bed together. Never has an acronym of a movie’s title been so fitting to its own description.